trust

About a year ago, last summer, I had a vision in the middle of the night. I saw an amber TV screen flashing, and along the bottom were scrolling these words in black:
"I request that you trust Me" or "Because you don't trust Me."

This was news to me, but the message was clear. God was letting me know that I didn't trust Him. And if a dream is a whisper, wooing you closer to inquire of Him to explain the mysteries..., this "night vision" was a SHOUT. Crystal clear so there would be no misinterpreting.

I didn't know I had a problem with trusting God, so I decided to investigate. I looked up the word. There are two of them in Hebrew, and both are clear images meaning: "To flee from a place of danger and take refuge in a safe place." In fact "take refuge" is a pretty good translation. This is seen several times in parallel imagery in the Psalms:
"You are my refuge, My God in whom I trust". In fact, different versions of the Bible translate these interchangeably.

Psalm 18:2 in the KJV: The LORD [is] my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, [and] my high tower.

In the NIV: The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

So, I confessed, I studied it out, and nothing really changed. I didn't know how to trust. And I didn't even know that I didn't know yet.

Fast forward three months or so: crisis, process, pain, loss, betrayal, grief, disappointment, seeing ugly things about myself, process of forgiving- especially myself, etc.
Jesus said to me:
"You talk alot about me, you think alot about me, you read alot about me, you sing to me, you hear my voice, you prophesy, you connect the dots, but you don't spend a lot of time just you and me, interactively. You're not truly present with me. You're not real with me. You don't trust me."

So, I gave it a shot. I pictured myself under the shadow of His wings, next to His heart, in a safe place where I could be real with what was hurting. I asked him to hold back the enemy, to make it safe, to close the eyes and ears of the enemy who would hold anything against me or interfere. I bawled and wept and cried as I told Him about the shame, the fear, the hurt, the 'not wanting to feel this way', etc., and something lifted. I was still alive. His love met me there and brought healing. On repeated occasions.

Last summer when I looked up the word, I saw it meant "to flee from danger/to take refuge".
I just looked it up again to make sure I had it right and there is another meaning for both Hebrew words and the Greek, that slipped by the first time: "to confide in". This is what trusting looked like for me. Telling Him my secrets so I wouldn't have to bear them alone. Bringing the darkness to the Light. And then there's no darkness. A concealed wound is an unhealed wound. The enemy would try to keep us from this "secret place" and in darkness.

So began my adventure with what I've come to call "interaction with the Voice of Love".
Man may have good ideas, understanding, knowledge, wisdom and tools in their tool belt; but the Holy Spirit knows what to do in each instance.

I remember watching a movie a few years ago. At the end, this Mexican child, who had just seen his father murdered, was walking down the street, kicking a pebble. I started crying and thought of the trauma, shock, fear and terror that were lodged in his spirit. I thought, "How are we going to bring healing to these children?" Even IF we could send trained counselors to every orphanage in Latin America, even IF the money was available and people would take time out of their schedules, even IF there were translators with a grid and those willing to travel, The process seems so long, so hard, so overwhelming. To lead them through forgiveness, repentance for judging their fathers for abandoning them, to renounce foundational lies written on their souls, teaching 'boundaries', etc.

And after wondering for years about how to heal the world, Jesus said, "It doesn't have to be that complex. I can do it. Trust Me. You can teach them to ask, to listen, to trust (to flee from danger to safety and to confide), to interact. To combine what they hear from Me with the faith that I will give them. I know what to do every time."

Psalm 118:8 "It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man."

I've been to counseling and I've been to Jesus. I LOVE my counselors, those who have loved me with Jesus' love, and encouraged me, heard from Holy Spirit, brought deliverance, words of knowledge, appropriated His wisdom and helped me get 'unstuck'. It's definitely helpful, I'll go again, I'm not saying there's not a place for it, we need each other. It's both/and.
But give me Jesus.
"When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus." (Acts 4:13)
I'll end with that. Blessings in the process, Sonja


P.S. I've been re-reading the Psalms replacing "trust" with "flee to a safe place" or "confide in". Rich and helpful.
Psalm 13:5 "I find a safe place in your unfailing love. I confide in you there. My heart rejoices in your salvation/healing/deliverance."